bathroom hijinks and a large cashew chicken box of embarassment

The following is Tim's (my boyfriend) blog but I thought it was funny so here ya go:

bathroom hijinks and a large cashew chicken box of embarassment


Kathryn Morgan Thigpen and I went to see Brokeback Mountain last night. I guess I should rewind. We were going to the library and out to get some food when we passed the local theater and saw that the movie was finally playing outside of downtown. The movie started in less than 30 minutes, so we had to park and get food within that time. We decided on sneaking food into the movie. We usually sneak some snacks in so we don't have to pay $6.50 for a box of Mike 'n Ikes, but we've never tried smugging entire meals into a theater. I suggested something simple like Subway. It would probably be easy to fit a couple 6-inches inside my jacket sleeve. However, Katie was hell bent on Chinese food, so my idea of simplicity was fucked. I tried to explain that Chinese food comes in hulking boxes that aren't really conducive to the sleek stealth needed to properly sneak food into a theater, but she had already more than made up her mind.

We get into the restaurant and there's stark silence in the joint. If you know Katie you know she's got a loud booming voice. If you know me you know I have a tendency to get bashful and freakishly self-conscious, both of which are magnified whenever I'm out with Katie. The silence in the place is shattered with Katie trying to explain to a Chinese woman that speaks probably 5 words of English that we're trying to sneak food into the theater, so we need proper packaging. Katie is by far the loudest noise in the room, so I'm trying to both hide my face and signal to Katie to cut out explaining a concept more foreign to this woman than the language she can't speak. They reach some agreement, and after a few minutes the food comes out in those large, white, flatish boxes with separate compartments for different foods. Katie tried explaining to her again (and I'm still avoiding eye-contact with everyone in the place) that we're sneaking food somewhere, and the large boxes simply won't do. They retry and bring our meals out in those bucket-boxes usually reserved for the gallons of rice they throw you when you buy a meal or one egg roll or even if you just happen to walk in to use the rest room. When we get outside I tell Katie that this still won't work goddammit. But she insisted on my trying to fit the buckets in my jacket sleeves, where of course they won't fit. I end up looking retarded with huge lumps jutting from my pits and the food is burning me, so I tell her to fuck herself and have fun hitch hiking home. Actually I just tell her to put it in her purse and throw a jacket over it. Which worked like a charm, but I'm still a little embarassed and mad that she was yelling (to us, it's normal Katie talk, to that woman, it's an ominous American speaking way too loudly about boxes) at a female Chinese restauranteur, so I'm a little peeved.

We got in without any problems. Once we sat down we decided to dig in, and I hadn't even opened my box before some fucking 18 year old theater worker with some kind of homing machine found us and said "NO OUTSIDE FOOD ALLOWED," with easily 30 people in earshot. I heard it loud and clear, but Katie was like "What?" as if he might have been coming to tell us something other than "take those huge buckets of food and get the fuck out of here." Like I said before, I'm way too self-consious and easily embarassed, so all I wanted was to run out of there covering my face, but Katie decided to have a conversation with this guy about how much more time we had before the movie started. We had to go outside to eat. We're standing in the drizzling cold trying to snarf down our entire meals within 5 minutes, and I'm really miserable about the last treacherous half hour. Katie is seemingly oblivious to how the entire situation of getting kicked out of a theater in front of a bunch of people because we brought in troughs of Chinese food is supposed to be embarassing, but I've more than picked up her slack. "Man, Tim, this is like an adventure." "How. Tell me how this is an adventure" "Out here in the cold, eating warm Chinese food."

It's funny how two people can go through the exact same harmless situation and come out with polar opposite feelings.

Oh ya, the movie was good.

On a side note, while I was typing this I yakked up about 2 and a half cups of vomit, sausage, and peanut butter.

........

He didn't mention that he puked in the sink. I got home late last night after going to a bar with his step-mom (Deanna), and I couldn't brush my teeth or wash my face or anything. I was super annoyed. It takes a millisecond to lift the lid. Oh well I probably should have been more sensitive about him vomiting, not to mention waiting up for me, but I was too disgusted. I just bitched about how stupid and gross that was and went to sleep. Poor little sweet thing.

Oh yeah, I sang Love Shack at karaoke last night because they didn't have GNR Welcome to the Jungle. I think I got the Fred Schnieder thing down pretty well. Deannas friends sang back up on all the girls parts cus I can't actually sing. We had alot of fun. Like grade school kids at the lunch table, we started throwing torn peices of coasters at people. I really sucked at that. I couldn't seem to get the flick right, It was pretty pathetic.

Ass Cream

This is just a quick post I'm gonna make in the time it takes Tim to meet the tow truck operator. I spent most of the weekend with Tim's family, which isn't unusual. I really love them alot and I feel like they're my family, which is great because I'm so far from home. Today we all went out to eat at a steakhouse that served the largest steaks I've ever seen. These things are so big that you cannot finish them and one sitting. They actually charge a sharing fee because its such a problem. I don't understand why a place would want to serve you something that can't possibly fit into your stomach. I guess cus we're Americans and the bigger the better.
Tim and I worked out a little when we got home and now we are listening to a John Lennon box set he got from my parents for christmas and we're about to play Scattergories when he gets back up here. I forgot to mention that on Friday I had the cutest class. They were 2nd grade bilingual, which pretty much never fails to be my favorite. I was laughing all day. They played a trick on me when they got back from lunch. Everyone sat in the wrong seat so I kept calling them by the wrong names. They were all laughing at me for a good 25 mins before I realized what was going on. We have reading groups where the students take turns reading a different page from a book. They book was about icecream and in thier little spanish accents they were pronouncing it "ass cream" and I couldn't stop laughing. I finally expained to them that it sounds like a bad word in English and tried to teach them how to say it right. I felt a little immature chuckling to myself by I couldn't help it. I like to entertain myself sometimes. Tim caught me once making fun of him to no one but myself behind his back. Which reminds me of the time I caught Tim asking the cat if it likes the way he dances. Nitechall!

Cats

I have 3 cats who are about 6 months old and they have been running through my little apartment at full speed all morning, waking us up everytime they crash into something. I think they woke me up about 8 times last night. I brought home a paper shopping bag and made the mistake of laying it next to my bed. They were jumping in it, jumping on it, chewing on it and using it as a base for thier little cat wars all night long. One cat made a runing jump on to my nightstand sending all my things crashing onto the floor. Sometimes their dash path would cross over the bed and ontop of my full bladder...followed by another cat... and sometimes another. Sometimes they just stand on my while I'm sleeping, make some crazy noises, and I wake up startled with a cat head in my face. Yet some nights we don't hear from them at all. Cats are the weirdest damn animals.

Horrible trainwreck!

This is my boyfriends "mom."
Watch out!!!!
She's single looking for a hot date. Just keep her away from your medicine cabinet and wallet.

Psychic Purple mockingbird in Hollywood

Ok I guess I should try to write something today to get into the habit. I'm waiting for my boyfriend (Tim) to get home from work. He's much later than usual and I'm a little worried about him. Given his track record he probably fell asleep on the train and missed his stop. Today we're going to go to the police station to try to have his mom arrested. If you want more details on that right now you can visit his blogspot www.hatingyourmom.blogspot.com and then visit his mother's pity-craving, fabricating, self-fornicating website at www.diaryofmydivorce.blogspot.com and Tim's stepmother's at www.thetruthaboutthelies.blogspot.com. I'm sure I will give you guys some details myself but I need to get in the habit of keeping a diary first. Setting up this blogspot was partially inspired by the fact that I was unable to leave a message on Deanna's (Tim's stepmom's site) without becoming a member, and partially because I was recently reminded of how poorly I remember my life. I got an email from Charlie (a best friend I had since highschool who is moving in with us this month!!) displaying excerpts from his old journal from highschool which mostly about me and my life because Charlie didn't have one. His control freak daddy wouldn't ever let him leave his room. The entry was about a fight I had with an xboyfriend who in a fit of rage stomped on my seamonkeys. I realized that that incident was completely gone from my normal memory and was archived somewhere in my brain. I realized there was no way I would have ever thought about that again unless someone or something reminded me. Its crazy how much you can remember just by reading a card much less a diary entry. What I'm saying is that my memory sux and I think keeping a diary would be good for me. I'm not going to edit this too much because I want to flow so please excuse me if I make any errors, ramble or if some of it doesn't make sense at all. Tim just walked in about 50 mins later that usual. Actually in an attempt to avoid falling asleep on the train and missing his stop he decided to drink a can of Mountain Dew before he boarded. He said he had to pee so bad that he got off at the Clinton stop and couldn't find anywhere with a public restroom. He just said it's too late to go to the police station now cus the guy gets off in an hour.. oh well. Looks like we'll have to do it next week and I'll make sure and update you on that.
Today I substituted for a highschool and the kids had to read three chapters of To Kill a Mockingbird and take a quiz. Since I didn't really have to actually teach anything I had some time to read today too. I saw the book "The Color Purple" sitting around, which is one of my favorite childhood movies and decided to pick it up. I can't believe how explicit the book is, I was surprised. Lawd hab mercy, dat book be fresh. It was so explicit (rape, incest, homosexual undertones) they left all that off of the movie however provided it for 11th grade reading material. Hollywood is actually pretty mellow in that respect. A European friend of mine was complaining the other day about how sexually prude American movies are. The Europeans are very candid about sex and the Americans are very candid about violence. Although I don't condone sexual trashiness (like what you would find on Tim's mom's website) I think the Europeans have a point. Which is more of a danger to society, sex or violence? Anway, back to the book... they were talking about eating cured ham, biscuits, grits'n'eggs, and sitting on the porch shelling peas. I started getting really homesick. My family is from Georgia but I'm living in Chicago. I really adore Chicago but a big part of me misses that laid back southern warmth. Even though I didn't really experience country living too much ( I was an Airforce bratt and moved from suburb to suburb across the nation), my parents grew up that way, my grandparents still sorta live that way so its in my roots and I can feel it. Even though I'm not a spiritual person, it feels that way to me and it's the only way I can describe it. I'm a little eccentric i guess and need a lot of variety and options in my life so the city is perfect for me in that respect, but I wish I could have them both. Too bad Atlanta doesn't impress me or that would be perfect. I didn't get a chance to finish the book before I left so I guess I'm gonna have to go buy it.
I probably could have finished reading it if this strange girl didn't want to talk to me for enirety of study hall (which is a very long time; one out of the only 4 classes they have in their block schedule) This girl was pretty unique! Boy let me tell you. She had plain clothes, no makeup, and wore a head scarf because she is a Jordanian Muslim. So when she said she wanted to be a makeup artist I was naturally a little surprised. Then she pulls out some pictures of herself on her sisters birthday in fabulously done glamorous makeup and hair, wearing a "downtown" outfit to go dancing. I don't understand how she could look so fabulous outside of school and go to school looking like a peasant girl from a second world country. Anyway she decided to tell me my fortune the whole time in a "Crossing Over With John Edward" way. "I see an issue with a friend.... something that made you happy.... or something that upset you... no?" I really think it was her way of prying. She totally impressed me but I don't beleive she was psychic. Something like that is a communication skill much like being a good salesman, but impressive none the less, at least she had no bad news for me. She asked me if I was going to be there tomorrow too, I mean wouldn't she know? I still wander what her intentions were, that was such a weird thing to do. I felt a little creeped out for the rest of the day. Tim needs the computer so he can enter in an online poker tournament so I'm outtie.

Welcome to my blog..

I don't like to write very much ( I think it's a commitment issue) so I don't know if I'll be blogging too often. Those of you who know me know I'm more of a talker (maybe its a patience issue). I just signed up for this so I could post a comment on someone elses blogspot.
I've never kept a real diary before so maybe I'll go retroactive. Though my life hasn't been quite as exciting lately, I probabbly could have written a best seller from any given week in the past. I've had quite a dramatic life, I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell a few stories.
I'll also use this to gossip on other peoples drama (primarily my boyfriend's Courtney Love style clown excuse for a mother) just because it's funny!